SMILE
What better wake up call than one from someone ringing from England!?! How often does that happen?! And hey, now i have like an hour to get ready for class instead of the usual 10 minutes...and there's a coat of pure snow outside, what more to make me smile?
Alright well I kind of want to tell you what I've been thinking the last 24 hours. For one thing, another Capernwray friend just came and left, and I don't know how to feel - it's like i never said goodbye in the first place, never got around to crying. With moving - as an MK - I think that's normal-? One only wants to feel injured so many times and then you go numb. And in my case decide almost consciously to stop loving people and trusting them. But it's to the point where I notice this and i want it to change, i want to feel and maybe i have enough energy to. And maybe I believe it will be worth it. (Sidenote. It's more that it's "to the point" where I realize I can not no matter how hard i would try, because i have tried, and been defeated by my self or who knows what. But this is GOOD this is what i learned last year at Bible school. This means Christ in me, his life will be at work, not my own efforts.)
Something else. These people from the outside of my life have made me appreciate what i have right here and now. I decide to think certain ways about things, to complain when I observe what according to my standard of measurement is possible and ideal, look at everything as though it should be perfect and it's not. I think maybe the end goal of life is not perfection - at least, that's not the focus for me to have in mind right now. I can be hurt inside, and still be alive, and still do things, affect things, not have want to go hide from life. What if i turned around and every time i feel like hermetizing, like curling up into a little ball and hiding my face from teh planet earth, the human race, turned around and faced it head on - and it might smack me down, but that's so much better than trying to pretend it's not that, which would be like pretending it's still perfect-able and not dealing with it. Responding, facing , dealing - that's LIFE.
And the sum of this, as i'm figuring out as i write, mmmm is that i'm admitting to myself that I want perfection, struggling with accepting this vague term of "the imperfect" as abnormal and huh. Do you understand how real this feels? How it's not words that I've heard all my life that I'm pretending are going on inside, but really is happening? ... crazy
Move to come
Alright well I kind of want to tell you what I've been thinking the last 24 hours. For one thing, another Capernwray friend just came and left, and I don't know how to feel - it's like i never said goodbye in the first place, never got around to crying. With moving - as an MK - I think that's normal-? One only wants to feel injured so many times and then you go numb. And in my case decide almost consciously to stop loving people and trusting them. But it's to the point where I notice this and i want it to change, i want to feel and maybe i have enough energy to. And maybe I believe it will be worth it. (Sidenote. It's more that it's "to the point" where I realize I can not no matter how hard i would try, because i have tried, and been defeated by my self or who knows what. But this is GOOD this is what i learned last year at Bible school. This means Christ in me, his life will be at work, not my own efforts.)
Something else. These people from the outside of my life have made me appreciate what i have right here and now. I decide to think certain ways about things, to complain when I observe what according to my standard of measurement is possible and ideal, look at everything as though it should be perfect and it's not. I think maybe the end goal of life is not perfection - at least, that's not the focus for me to have in mind right now. I can be hurt inside, and still be alive, and still do things, affect things, not have want to go hide from life. What if i turned around and every time i feel like hermetizing, like curling up into a little ball and hiding my face from teh planet earth, the human race, turned around and faced it head on - and it might smack me down, but that's so much better than trying to pretend it's not that, which would be like pretending it's still perfect-able and not dealing with it. Responding, facing , dealing - that's LIFE.
And the sum of this, as i'm figuring out as i write, mmmm is that i'm admitting to myself that I want perfection, struggling with accepting this vague term of "the imperfect" as abnormal and huh. Do you understand how real this feels? How it's not words that I've heard all my life that I'm pretending are going on inside, but really is happening? ... crazy
Move to come
posted by Anna's Abstract at 6:28 AM
2 comments
