secure-in, part 2 - "i wish"
Don't count the "i"s.
Security seems to come from desires that are not filled.
I wish things, and then upon not recieving them, am not happy.
(The undercurrent of thought along with this might not be coming through...)
For example. I wish to make myself plain here. But I am not sure that I am. So...I guess that makes me insecure about that.
I wish to not write so terribly prosiaically. That's how I think, but I want to go beyond. Not getting what I want makes me feel insecure. It also makes me strive to achieve that. Or at least be stressed.
I wish to be beautiful. In many ways, most practically, physically. When I don't have a full length mirror in my room, that spares a lot of grief. Better yet, the occasion occurs that I can say I look at myself and am quite content. But when I am neither oblivious nor able to be satisfied, it's misery, it's insecurity, what is it? Why am i there? It's immaturity too, eh? Of the thought process. If I knew how to work this out, or if just forgetting was the key (and maybe it is), I could be free - which is the goal - I look on security as something that ought to always be (cos i am insecure without it!)
I suppose I am stating the obvious. Or beyond that, what isn't even worth saying. I'm afraid of that - not just now but in general. Kind of hinders you. I was talking to someone about that over lunch yesterday, someone who was equally afraid and unsure of what to say and what not to say. In general. Some - most - people don't understand what the hang up is... I also recently talked to someone who wanted passionatly to live "out of the box", for the interacting world at large to not live in the constant, and sometimes healthy, fear ...nevermind i don't remember. It's one thing to say, though, and another to do...to free yourself from fear of awkwardness enough to embrace it?? To be willing to risk success and utter failure at the same time? Mostly in people relationships, but this transfers over to ...
I am especially disappointed when I don't talk to people i want to talk to. It's usually a fear of them and a subconscious thought that they won't want to talk to me if I did try to. It's like a net!
Alles qwatsch...
Security seems to come from desires that are not filled.
I wish things, and then upon not recieving them, am not happy.
(The undercurrent of thought along with this might not be coming through...)
For example. I wish to make myself plain here. But I am not sure that I am. So...I guess that makes me insecure about that.
I wish to not write so terribly prosiaically. That's how I think, but I want to go beyond. Not getting what I want makes me feel insecure. It also makes me strive to achieve that. Or at least be stressed.
I wish to be beautiful. In many ways, most practically, physically. When I don't have a full length mirror in my room, that spares a lot of grief. Better yet, the occasion occurs that I can say I look at myself and am quite content. But when I am neither oblivious nor able to be satisfied, it's misery, it's insecurity, what is it? Why am i there? It's immaturity too, eh? Of the thought process. If I knew how to work this out, or if just forgetting was the key (and maybe it is), I could be free - which is the goal - I look on security as something that ought to always be (cos i am insecure without it!)
I suppose I am stating the obvious. Or beyond that, what isn't even worth saying. I'm afraid of that - not just now but in general. Kind of hinders you. I was talking to someone about that over lunch yesterday, someone who was equally afraid and unsure of what to say and what not to say. In general. Some - most - people don't understand what the hang up is... I also recently talked to someone who wanted passionatly to live "out of the box", for the interacting world at large to not live in the constant, and sometimes healthy, fear ...nevermind i don't remember. It's one thing to say, though, and another to do...to free yourself from fear of awkwardness enough to embrace it?? To be willing to risk success and utter failure at the same time? Mostly in people relationships, but this transfers over to ...
I am especially disappointed when I don't talk to people i want to talk to. It's usually a fear of them and a subconscious thought that they won't want to talk to me if I did try to. It's like a net!
Alles qwatsch...
posted by Anna's Abstract at 1:00 PM
2 Comments:
anna, do you have any non-intelectual activities you do often? ie. swing dancing, skiing, dancing under the trees by moonlight, etc.?
I cross referenced profiles that list Colossians Remixed among books being read - as I have on mine. I came across your blog. I am wondering what the book has meant to you. It has changed my life intensely.
On another note, I see you are writing rather abstractly about your feelings etc. I figure no one can completely feel another's feelings, and so I really do not understand in any rich sense. But among the things you say, you write of wishing to be beautiful and how that not having a full length mirror spares you grief.
I have been pondering the passage from Genesis 1:26 where the humans are created in the image of God. It seems, in my mind anyway, to speak to your post. When you wrote of the mirror, my mind instantly grasped that passage again just now. Because the way I understand that verse it means that humans are created first and foremost to bear the image of God.
Suddenly, I saw a flash of insight. The mirror is designed to bear our image. We are designed to bear His image. We are like mirrors in a sense. People look into mirrors to see their reflection. You are spared grief by not looking at your own reflection in the mirror. Is that because the mirror lies or tells the truth?
Contrast that thought with yourself as an image bearer. As an image bearer, you are like a God mirror. Does God want to look at you and see the reflection? If so, why? If not, is it because the image reflected tells the truth or lies?
And then that makes me think again about why looking in a mirror is so grievous. We humans do a poor job of living out the design of our lives. Is it any wonder we are so often unhappy with our appearance? Whole billion dollar mega industries are devoted to helping your mirror lie to you.
Let me say, I am terribly sorry that looking in the mirror causes grief for you (and me). I know what you mean. I feel that feeling to a large degree. But, at the same time, I recognize, at a deeper reality, that if I am a good image bearer, then I have nothing to grieve over.
Now this part has a lot packed up in it that I will not unpack on a blog comment, but I will state my statement anyway. Jesus comes as THE PROPHET of God and bears His image most perfectly on the cross. (I say this because of his quote of Daniel 7 at the trial before the High Priest and the fact that the Roman soldier in Mark 15 recognizes Him at that point among other things.) In some sense, and I am open to revising this part of the statement, it seems to me that we might consider imitating Him in this way: Go to the place of shame and pain in your community and bear His image there in loving self-sacrifice (at least worship in song/prayer/preaching).
I mean look around you at other young women who have far more cause for grief around mirrors. I don't care who you are, or how bad you might think you have it, you can always find others even you consider in worse shape - and many in FAR worse shape.
Where is the place in your community that gives the most cause for females, especially, to be self-conscious about their appearance. (beach/pool?) Find one of those unfortunate wretches and hold her hand! Be her friend. Help her find some dignity, and if you really want to imitate Christ, take her punishment for her by drawing the ill wanted attention on to yourself and away from her.
You will have to figure out the specifics. It may not even ultimately be about appearance or females. But you can find the place of shame and pain and do the business of God there. And I think that once you find yourself bearing the costly image of Christ there, you will not look at yourself in the mirror the same anymore.
I really have no idea if any of this rambling will either make sense or be meaningful to you. But I think it is connected nonetheless. If there is a problem with it, it is more in my broken articulation than anything else I suspect. But if you feel drawn closer to Jesus, then it is not all vanity.
Many blessings...
Post a Comment
<< Home