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Words.

I was pondering the word WISDOM. (Which I incidentally have a two word definition of. Tell me yours though before I'll let you hear mine.) This word. Vague, yet poignant. I have some. Some have little. Precious few have overflowing – but you know when you meet them. – so. WISE. How do I get there? Will the mere desire (at least) aid me? Say I think about it every day. My ears and mind perk up at anyone’s mention of it. I try looking at all I do in light of its attainability to it(wisdom) through it(things I do). Will the mere symbol W-I-S-E do me good? Is much else required?

In the catholic church, overarchingly it said SANCTUS x3. What does looking at that do, if I went every Sunday? Would it help me in becoming holy? Next, how is it affected by translation?! Does it lose something, the weight behind it? (Really – at the tower of babel, what ARE the implications of that crazy story?)

Along similar lines… sorta. Is there any use or value (I’ve a feeling I’ll find out it’s an old church practice, long abandoned for some unrighteous reason or another) to, say, trying to gain virtuousness – right motives assumed, whatever that means – by choosing one to focus on each week/month or so, and thinking “how can I (be) “kind” this week – grow in gentleness – learn humility, love, maturity…”? I’ve tried and gave up…now think it’s ridiculous till a friend brought it up. Remind me of my objections – a)how would you pick which one when; how measure (or get away from that?!) success failure when you can’t know? – seems it’ll lead to either false pride or false humility feeling you’ve busted miserably. When really…it “should be Christ”? IDK b)…
Whatever.

The latest

Direly early in one morning...

Went to a Latin Mass. It seems “Everyone has own religion” among not only catholics, also evangelicals. Is this b/c some miss truth, or some pursue harder (i.e. are granted greater hunger, more ideal circumstances) OR – b/c God is many angled, like a circle, and hbs complexity fits him in varying ways, so there are essentially infinite combinations of ways his relationship from person to person will look/work? – lines of theology, then, being stronger thinkers in the various discernable, distinct strands setting apart what they know (which turns out to be a mere miniscule (part) of the larger Truth?)

How is true guidance attainable? – not filterlessly from the church or other people, even a mentor – because I know JC to be surprising in his demands, not necessarily something other ppl can tell you. – then personally alone can it (right path) be ultimately said/known? But that feels like no ultimate standard, just building my own raft and floating on it. Wishy washy. Failure is guaranteed either way – trusting “Him” alone is easily mistakable with the self which is fallible, and others, clearly, severely screw up. (Take any -ism) Choosing a “rut” – agreeing to a universal – it’s never all of the whole, so where it may be absolute, it’s lacking the larger part of the rest of the absolute, and unchecked, fails miserably.

…answer, of course, is – always – Christ. Alone. But --- into die Rechnung kommt bestimmt (you must then calculate certain) brokenness. A realization of failure and other’s failure and a necessary acceptance thereof – I believe I am currently in the (shocking!) process of [having lived, and been told to live, the rest of my life to date in what’s labelled “perfectionism” – ½ praised, ½ pitied] coming to grips with this. Someone made this a comment along these lines about their girlfriend. It penetrates me, excites and scares me with its paradoxical perfection – "What you love about someone is/fall in love with is their faults…when they’re vulnerable and show you their real (dirty) selves, that's most beautiful…” Implying that love not disregards or ignores these deep problematic issues as they arise, but embraces them – accepting the other’s “otherness” in the face of the delight of KNOWING in a greater depth, LOVING – the same way – who they are.

The lover affirms the reality and the otherness of the beloved. Love does not seek to collapse the beloved in terms of itself. - NT Wright

The act of knowing is an act of love, the act of entering and embracing the reality of the other, of allowing the other to enter and embrace its own. - Parker Palmer

IDK if that’s how God relates to me. I’ve thought about how can I know “my identity in Him” – as it increasingly seems to be of ultra-importance to survival, esp. and beginning spiritual survival – in order to move forward (i.e. be satisfied)

Faster, faster! Strip away what remains. How could I want any of it? Yes – it hurts! And leaves blistery red marks. Maybe it KILLS like Aslan clawing the dragon Eustice. But by all means…go ahead…strip, and make new. Make useful. …….be gentle enough that I do not despair –

All this, speeding it up, will make me more useful to God faster and sooner, right? Well if that ain’t a thought tainted by focus on TECHNE (product) instead of PRAXIS (practice). (-Chesterton would seem to agree with that, though – at least the idea of not being all about the process and practicality. Ahhh, everything in balance.)

How the h… do I spend time well?! So I can look back over the weeks, months, years and say, with satisfaction, YES, these were WORTH something. Their worth will be measured by going back and forth from their being of more value to me, sometimes more to others using me, depending. Anyway, where do I invest myself? (Sneaking voice: “Listen to Him! He’ll tell you!) How do I do this, this spending of my life's blood, responsibly?

As with time, so with money. ?

As with time, so with people. This gets messy. I seek truth, wisdom – not “personal advice”. There is a way, I know it! On whom do I “spend” myself? I have some to give. I want and need to be given to – so how on practical level, does this work? The roundabout way, or if you will deeper inquiry into the social life – struggle to balance. (Here again: “submit it to Christ, and LISTEN…” – but how?!)

This reminds me of the Bible story with the people with talents. Doesn't it? Hmmm. I totally empathize with the dude with only one talent. I would have buried it to. Maybe I will and am. I feel like that (don't tell me I'm not I don't wanna hear it) - quite often actually - "Dang it, God, if only I was sooo much smarter and sooo much better at piano and sooo much more capable at sooo many useful things. It's the least I could have." I need to start out with this certain amount - then I could really start doing something with myself. Investing." but oh ha another bible verse. he who is faithful with little... etc.
Wow. it's clicking.... etc. etc.

Underlying it all. Do I believe I have the right to believe that God wants these good things for me? Should I?

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Coming up soon: the merits of the backspace key, and the delete button, and the “return to site” option on the internet.