I don't need your solutions, i have enough of my own. - The Recluse
So hi! Once again I am not feeling oh so very blissful. I figure well, that's what I made my blog for, why not use it... It's just I have a hard time getting started and I want to talk to real people and be distracted, not wallow in nothingness...I don't really have anything to say. THAT gotten out of the way, may I begin to speak... time for Anna's introspection :( Continue no further, dear reader, I beg you, PLEASE!!
I was at ... well we'll keep it vague, somewhere the other day in a group of people and one of them shared during a devotional time - and it was the most amazing thing, it rocked my world cuz I felt like dominos were falling. A guy sat in front of us all and told us he has been gay for several years. This is at a quite Christian college. I don't know if I can make you understand. NO, I'm not lesbian (ha!). But this honesty, this transparency...this clarity of a sense of "God is at work in my life and this is what's next" - you scoff at me, you think it is better for people to not tell everything about themselves...but people that seems to be the only thing that will work right now! The only way you can deal with something is to face it, right? And if you don't deal with it, you'll be miserable, and might not even knwo it. To let others carry the burden, and to carry theirs... I don't know if I have any deep dark secrets, but remember "sharing time" at Cape last year, and how it felt to talk to all those people and "come out of the closet"...I would tell people I don't feel smart, I don't belong here, my little brain is EMPTY and I don't know how to cope with life at all, I quite intentionally walk with the most intense possible air of confidence because I feel exactly different, that 10 days out of 10 there's nothing I'd like more than a hug a real one, or to go hide, to feel loved more than I do... tell them I'm not a nice person, and have them somehow believe it not just glossy-smile it over, that most of what they see is fake, that I don't like most of the ones I interact with - the people, I mean. really. I don't like many people at all. (-might be exaggerated, might not) that i have this complex of thinking I'm better than most people... oh and ironically at the same time, so much a failure and i'll never get where I want to go, I don't have a chance to be part of the group of people I want to become like, which does exist but I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH to get in ... and express this feeling of passivity, being tied down and shot up with whatever they give you so you don't even struggle, your mournful eyes just look around and wish and your heart, assuming it's in there, is miserable knowing it could do better... alll the wasted time you didn't know how to spend...
I also would want to say that school is HARD and yes I like that but no I'm really in WAY far over my head and my Philosophy class I'm not picking up what I should and I don't know how to write and ok maybe Jazz piano I have a decent chance, but when will I get organized enough to be disciplined, to practice enough, so I can get good?!?
Of course being quite honest, it would soon follow that my social life, which looks pretty good right now, would dwindle to quite few. Believe me, if I was honest... maybe I should try it for a day. (Hey, x, I just want you to know I think you're the hottest boy on campus and I can't imagine why you never talk to me...) And you're going, right, maybe you shouldn't. I've quit - given in to the "hey how are you I'm GREAT just PEACHY KEEN" and somehow the daft daisies never pick up the sarcasm. Huh.
Again I tried to put a dumptruck load of idea-strands in a bucket. Sorry. This is very unedited. And yes, it should not be here. But who's going to be reading it now after weeks of nothing new, anyway?
I'm noticing a trend in myself. Are some people visionary? Cuz if there's a name for it, I am. It's very hard to take little steps, because my eyes aren't down there, they're up high and seeing amazingly incredible sights that aren't yet attained (=frustration!) - like what I could be like, in relation to God, the world, etc. etc. etc. (more later maybe) but forget "minor" things like, well, for a basic example, spending time with God every day, or at least spending time trying to be with God. HELLO. But it's sooo hard...
Well. I hadn't been attending church this year. I just couldn't, I really, really didn't like it. But I found a church I like. I went there for the second time today. It's called "All Souls" and it's episcopalian (however you spell that!) There's an organ...and they use liturgy, the same QUALITY stuff that's been spoken for the past 2000 years...and I like that they have communion every week...no "praise and worship time now!" YAHHH
Otherwise, I'm always tired...always always always. I figured out there's a point in there where it's good - being just on the verge of irritation, but also not quite out of the zone yet, means I snap at you and can be incredibly sarcastic which is taken as humor. But right now, i'm on the irritated - stay in my room - i don't want to have any friends - train and it's not about to derail soon.
:)
I was at ... well we'll keep it vague, somewhere the other day in a group of people and one of them shared during a devotional time - and it was the most amazing thing, it rocked my world cuz I felt like dominos were falling. A guy sat in front of us all and told us he has been gay for several years. This is at a quite Christian college. I don't know if I can make you understand. NO, I'm not lesbian (ha!). But this honesty, this transparency...this clarity of a sense of "God is at work in my life and this is what's next" - you scoff at me, you think it is better for people to not tell everything about themselves...but people that seems to be the only thing that will work right now! The only way you can deal with something is to face it, right? And if you don't deal with it, you'll be miserable, and might not even knwo it. To let others carry the burden, and to carry theirs... I don't know if I have any deep dark secrets, but remember "sharing time" at Cape last year, and how it felt to talk to all those people and "come out of the closet"...I would tell people I don't feel smart, I don't belong here, my little brain is EMPTY and I don't know how to cope with life at all, I quite intentionally walk with the most intense possible air of confidence because I feel exactly different, that 10 days out of 10 there's nothing I'd like more than a hug a real one, or to go hide, to feel loved more than I do... tell them I'm not a nice person, and have them somehow believe it not just glossy-smile it over, that most of what they see is fake, that I don't like most of the ones I interact with - the people, I mean. really. I don't like many people at all. (-might be exaggerated, might not) that i have this complex of thinking I'm better than most people... oh and ironically at the same time, so much a failure and i'll never get where I want to go, I don't have a chance to be part of the group of people I want to become like, which does exist but I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH to get in ... and express this feeling of passivity, being tied down and shot up with whatever they give you so you don't even struggle, your mournful eyes just look around and wish and your heart, assuming it's in there, is miserable knowing it could do better... alll the wasted time you didn't know how to spend...
I also would want to say that school is HARD and yes I like that but no I'm really in WAY far over my head and my Philosophy class I'm not picking up what I should and I don't know how to write and ok maybe Jazz piano I have a decent chance, but when will I get organized enough to be disciplined, to practice enough, so I can get good?!?
Of course being quite honest, it would soon follow that my social life, which looks pretty good right now, would dwindle to quite few. Believe me, if I was honest... maybe I should try it for a day. (Hey, x, I just want you to know I think you're the hottest boy on campus and I can't imagine why you never talk to me...) And you're going, right, maybe you shouldn't. I've quit - given in to the "hey how are you I'm GREAT just PEACHY KEEN" and somehow the daft daisies never pick up the sarcasm. Huh.
Again I tried to put a dumptruck load of idea-strands in a bucket. Sorry. This is very unedited. And yes, it should not be here. But who's going to be reading it now after weeks of nothing new, anyway?
I'm noticing a trend in myself. Are some people visionary? Cuz if there's a name for it, I am. It's very hard to take little steps, because my eyes aren't down there, they're up high and seeing amazingly incredible sights that aren't yet attained (=frustration!) - like what I could be like, in relation to God, the world, etc. etc. etc. (more later maybe) but forget "minor" things like, well, for a basic example, spending time with God every day, or at least spending time trying to be with God. HELLO. But it's sooo hard...
Well. I hadn't been attending church this year. I just couldn't, I really, really didn't like it. But I found a church I like. I went there for the second time today. It's called "All Souls" and it's episcopalian (however you spell that!) There's an organ...and they use liturgy, the same QUALITY stuff that's been spoken for the past 2000 years...and I like that they have communion every week...no "praise and worship time now!" YAHHH
Otherwise, I'm always tired...always always always. I figured out there's a point in there where it's good - being just on the verge of irritation, but also not quite out of the zone yet, means I snap at you and can be incredibly sarcastic which is taken as humor. But right now, i'm on the irritated - stay in my room - i don't want to have any friends - train and it's not about to derail soon.
:)
posted by Anna's Abstract at 5:45 PM
3 Comments:
I miss you Anna.
I feel this way most of the time. I miss people, I miss the good times.
It's good to remember those times like Share Time. Even though it was hard sometimes, because I was so open with people, it really stretched me.
I think that since then (or maybe even before) I've pushed people to be more open. Sometimes I've pushed too much, and some people just aren't ready for it. And the harder I push, the more they retract into their closets. That's just the way it is. We may want the progress now, but it may not happen for a while, if ever.
I have been quite the recluse for the last 6 months. It's quite unlike me, but it doesn't matter. It gives me a chance to reflect.
Hmm...
my dear all souls may be great but you need to start coming to church of the acsension with me...david schrader is the organist ahhhh what that man can do with his feet, i love the way my pew shakes whenever he plays bass notes. have you tried st. mark's in glen ellyn?ok well we can talk more about this tomorrow.
Hey guys thanks for reading. Um but it's massively too late i'm not going to answer. Gis - I missed you :( SADFACE.
Daveo- you are such a stud man. Can I say that? u'z amazing. love-
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