So. After a convinced decision to abandon, I decide to return and ramble freely. Wir werden sehen, was davon wird.
I have to write, because I am a closed (compared to my self) person, my self is too heavy to carry, and this is the way I come nearest to "baring my soul" (reminiscent of Britney). I don't like who I am 99% of the time, or some such percentage, and to cope with this, I like to put it in the air, say "this is bad" or the opposite, and be allowed to face it, repent perhaps. This way, noone will be required to hear me go on through all the dirt and nothing ness that it requires to get anywhere. Now you may have to puzzle piece it together yourself, without instructions, but I WILL get somewhere. Now we will have hit on my first point of securityin. I've already showed you it. I analyze to the death and then am not myself bright enough to put back together: I don't know how to relate. Maybe I don't mean it quite that strongly. But that's the jist of it. Every day I go around thinking that, somewhere inside me. I don't know what it's worthwhile to say, not to say, to whom, when, etc. etc. You know how life is 90% reacting, 10% acting? I go for the 100% acting. Because I want to do it right, because everything is staked on me. In my head I have just been reminded (lights flashing) that actually, most poeple won't remember what I say, my impact is not that great, and I should be worrying about most interactions with people as much as I am concerned with the truth of individual statements in my science book (I'm not taking science.) See?
Not that I lack sufficient reason for my securetyin. I think it is not normal that people stand on their own and can be a sears tower. Even Pisa isn't very possible. We're more like appartment complexes, each part of the structure of the next one. Some in the middle, some on the ends. If one got blasted, well i suppose the other ones would still stand, but they'd be curious what the hey their neighbors were doing. Anywayz point being to be secure you can not stand alone. You must be willing to place confidence in people. .......
Comfort is involved - whether I feel I have any standing around people defines the security level, and this thermometer rises slowly. There are many days I conscously will myself to pick it (confidence) up and put my face on for the day. It's subtle, not a mask, nor a well fitted from...maybe like make-up you can't always tell when the edges are wearing thin. And, underneath isn't transformed by putting it on. Just as scared and ugly as ever. And empty, oh so painfully lacking! ....
It's the analyzing that does me in. Tho I don't know another way to be. I am as much stuck being Dosty's "thinking man" (depressed) as some others are the "active man" (ignorant), blissfully uncomprehending of the existance of the circles in which the first kind trod. Lucky.
So if I am insecure all day long, the days I'm conscious of it, I will want to moan. But who wants to listen to that?? I probably don't. So here I am. Typing it out in order to figure it out and get past it. What's next:
Securein is something a lot of us are in college, since a lot of us want to be the best and place security in that, and can't have (or imagine having) it regardless how hard we try. (I speak for college, cuz I can't see the other "walks of life" besides my own.) This is hard to cope with, especially if it goes undiscussed. Yes? I can not be the best at music, and i don't want to be mediocre...so i'd rather not do it at all. I won't even try science and math, though my mind has shown me it works well on both, because...well there's the least hope and chance of making it there. Soc and politics - I can only focus on so much at one time, I think I can focus on less than your average joe because I focus so intently. So I am doing philosophy. Ha. That's funny. It makes sense. It appears I seek fulfillment more than being the best. And anyway- I think maybe I am not going for that, though I thought it the case. Instead of being the best, I want to reach a level of interactability. Meaning, I want to be able, for example, to be in a group of philosophers and hold my own to some degree. Not win arguments, but be a part of them and learn from them. (Have my life changed. That's important.) Same with music, I'd like to know Horowitz's playing from Rachmaninoff and tell the difference between a Mozart and a Beethoven Sonata. Not know everything, but have the tools to learn more through discussion, and enjoy the learning I have. This is where the empty feeling comes in. What I do know is minimal. Waaahhhh...
This goes back to relationships. They are what matter, to my satsifaction with life, anyway. If I can interact because I know something(s), I am content, and I have succeeded, and I no longer feel securein. Yeah, occasionally I'd like to be known as "better" at something. But only because it's my focus, and not the particular other person's. Yes, I also would feel secure with knowledge of a particular talent. Say, if i could improvise well, or was discerning, or had the ability to write in a certain way, you know, something you can fall back on to fill up your empty ego with when someone says "oh Anna you're so
good at that". Who doesn't like praise? But then I think, perhaps it's just htat I want something that defines me, give me identity, to know something is specifically related to me that can't easily be removed. (That's why being made fun of when someone drags a typicality of you in the spotlight - example? - that they've observed - makes you feel good. Oh kind of an example - someone makes fun of their friend for the next 2 years for having said "pride and prejudice" instead of "crime and punishment" or for their quote "I guess kissing is an aquired taste". You know who you are.) This makes something be attached to you, so that you know who you are a little better, from an outside source; you also gain the knowledge of having a history of previous existance. THIS FEELS GOOD.
(Have you ever doubted your "history of previous existance"?)
Insecure is another word for "conscious of my own place/of my self/of my failing, my imperfection, the lack of ability to deal with that and look forward. Example. I know beyond doubt that I am not a "good" pianist. Okay as described by myself and those who know how to play. It is not satisfactory, and therefore refuses me happiness until it would be achieved. I am not "good" at philosophy - my brain is majorly out of shape from the past 5 years of non-academicing, and the "natural philosopher" in me is, though existant, not genius. But should I have to be conscious of this, or hindered by the consciousness?
I haven't really gotten where I want. I want to dissect the areas I am not secure. And hope I can then talk about them out loud, so i can find people who identify, and people who are wiser and can push me past. Eventually, then, I will become wiser. I guess it'll take more time, and refining. Let me finish with this bit of practical secure-in-ity. I love thinking that SOME TIME SOME ONE will read SOME THING I have said and appreciate it. But I don't care if YOU don't; I'm not attached to what I've said or to you. If you do, cool. But I consciously refuse to care so much about myself and let your opinion matter enough to shatter me. It easily could, otherwise. I'm demonstrating my secureinity. Honestly it doesn't deserve more than consideration. Unless I can align it with truth. (Not meaning to imply that I am capable of this.)
Well that's a dead end drop off
(Mehr kommt...)
