My thoughts this morning.

Truth: Whether it exists in the Absolute.

I woke up this morning to my mind pounding. All the thoughts of yesterday’s class clicking…clicking along in the subconscious. Nothing unthought by others before will enter my mind, but I am synthesizing the information I have and coming to new conclusions for my self. I’m sure the same things have been written a million times over.

I WANT truth to exist. Mainly because I want something ultimate in the world; I want it to give me meaning and purpose. Truth: what I seem to have unconsciously yet passionately sought all my life. What Descartes, Hobbes, Spinoza, etc. etc. etc. were looking for when they sought “knowledge” or “cognition” – is that anything more than truth? (Should I have realized this before?) “Real reality.” What people give up when they stop asking questions, intelligent questions, when they are “mediocre”, “lukewarm”, “just getting by” (potentially a.k.a. happy and content?) what Dostoevsky’s “thinking man” knows how to deal with the pain from, and his “active man” doesn’t know exists.
How do I know this ‘real reality’ is true, however? Even if it were found and proven to the best of some mental ability. Really, it cannot be. The rational is only meant to and only capable of going so far. Then, it wanders beyond, into a realm it is able to enter, but not send signals back to the ‘real’ (the conceivable) world…there is no way to know what it experiences.
The church has not gotten past Kant, past the synthesis of rationalism and empiricism. Good thing they at least got that far, and have exited the dark ages…though would it have been so bad for them to’ve left them?? I could see myself living back then, not struggling at all, because of the hope I had ingrained…then suddenly…my cogito would begin to synthesize…it would soar

What can anything matter besides truth? Who gives a damn whether they’re late to class or don’t look good or go to church or “too fat” or (have friends?) etc. etc. etc. – petty things, all meaningless. But then again. Is it something to be achieved, and worn around your neck, like the winner of the track team got praised for the other night when we saw his medal? What is the true meaning of medal? Is there even a meaning to it? Oh! – and I’ve just entered in, engaged with on my very own, the problem of universals. What do I think. (Why should it be I who thinks? B/c at this point my own cognition, build up with that of others, is what I’ve got to work with, and I’m not complaining. A line must be drawn.)

I told Jimmy I think I could be content if I spent all my life pursuing this one thing, and found there to come nothing afterwards. (Of course I would not ‘find’, in that sense of the word, anything, for I would cease to exist? Why is it that we think it even possible to exit existence? Exist unto where, besides the eternal?) The joy I am having in the process, or the engagement, at any rate, is utterly exhilarating, far more than any game or sport or ?music?(‘that’s so Platonic, Anna!-I think it was Plato? Who didn’t consider music that valuable…oh I’ll discuss that some other day I don’t know.) or ski-hill. On second thought, mmm. Mountain? I’m not sure we can compare the two. It’s called the mind/body problem… if only we figured out how they can interact, I would compare mountains to truth-seeking for you. It seems to me that what my mind can do and has potentia to is, for me, far more pleasing…
THINK AND ACTIVE MAN!!! God made them separately, each to be able to focus on one, mind or body, think it the best, and excel at it,…or course, doing the other, but feeling the way I do about the physical. (Self, do you remember thinking about how you’d rather experience pain – and definitely it’s mental…but then you had it, at least to a degree…ouch…) Does this give a crack of sunlight into God – is he somehow related to both mind and body, as he is both male and female?? Or could this split be related to sin?
The question, then, in light of this, is how much man must take care of his other, oh, percentile (I can’t say half, although rightly, it is I suppose.) It won’t be equal in both cases; I think the active man will generally less seek intellectualization, because we’ve been taught more along the lines that the physical is the real. (WHY?) (don’t you see how the truth now explain clearly how it can make sense for martyrs and captives to have joy?) the intellectual/thinking one, on the other hand, is more pulled toward the physical and has to pull away himself. But at the same time, take care, to some greater or lesser degree, of his body – it can’t just be hung out to dry while the mind works. But I bet he won’t mind showering and exercising and eating, etc. etc., as his mind will explain to him a purpose for it all, and thus reconcile spending time. He will on the whole be less inclined to great feats. …

This has led me to many other black holes I must jump over and refuse to dive into the depths of…(it’s like an inverted Freitag triangle ) such as man’s value based on what kind he is; how to spend time accordingly, how to treat each other and get along…ethics, maybe? The killing of “I’m better than you b/c”…because… without absolute truth…one is not better than the other…wouldn’t America agree.

UNRELATED
I wonder if people are content with the friends they have. And why they want different ones if so. And how they ‘go about’ getting friendships. This all would be quite awkward to ask anyone though. They would all have different, fascinating answers – some would find it ridiculous that I asked, them I fear; some would never have thought of it before and it would revolutionize their lives, some would tell me meager facts of what they know based on their small experience, some might even have wisdom…
RERELATED
Anywayz. The joy is in the praxis, not the techné. So nice of the old philosophers to come up with names used throughout the ages to describe all these things I can think of on my own. I wonder if I could have gone that far. Would my mind have drug itself out of the mud? I think mine is the type – let us see what it can do, let us push on in life, see if this soul is a pioneer.

The heading is quite broad, for I feel any ‘philosophical’ topic could fit under it – else, it is not philosophical. Truth seeking is the very definition of philosophy, no? Then let us discover what truth looks like. Not what is truth, for that has taken men books to fill and I’m not interested in it right now except where I can draw upon it to spread this knowledge.

A definition for truth. Mmm.
It seems to encompass all experiences – that is, it can be related to things of me: things I do on my own, eating, sleeping, playing; things I do with other people: relating, talking, coming up with ideas, interacting um what else… I understand why Hegel speaks so highly of relationships, master not being master without slave, and vv. – what are we besides what we relate to? DID I NOT ask dad that one day walking down Story street??? I SO DID!!!! I told him I was (randomly) thinking about whether you could ever say the earth or even moon was in the same place twice, since what does it mean to be in the same place? (like how I answered a question with a question?!) One notices that there is no ultimate ‘wall’ in space, that IS somewhere. Can we even say there is such thing as ‘being somewhere’. …

Solomon may be right, there is nothing new under the sun…but there’s sure enough to keep me busy for a good long few lives. Perspective, man!

Truth.
It is either hard to find or right there and we are blind.
We are looking at it in the wrong dimension? And see only its outworkings and want to imitate them … when actually must find the real macCoy to get anywhere, the source, the well-spring. Logically.

Truth – it is so large. It is not in the emotion, nor the
It is God-like. Perhaps God is truth. Yes, in fact, I think they say he is. What does this mean? That after all everything is One? (Pantheism? And what does that mean?) Maybe just all in the spirit world is united (do we worship it all, then? We can’t worship only parts of it - and angels are yet spirit.) It makes sense to say the physical is merely an outpouring, an excess, a creation of the physical, wow, that’s in the Bible too. Is it NOT?? How did we miss this? Lack of scholasticism, or lack of treating subjects with care – part of what rumor has the postmodern complaint to be, of lack of thoroughness. How can we place a stake on the rational if it can’t be fully reasoned out in each little spider-webby corner.
Q.E.D. Truth cannot be put in a box, it cannot be said to be thus in one and in all certain such situations. To think we know anything seems ridiculous. (Isn’t that what Socrates argued in the beginning, anyway?) They thought they knew everything revolved around the earth, giving it a central point. But they
Copernicus thought he knew the earth revolved around something else (hello that’s more biblical anyway, people shouldn’t revolve around ourselves, why wouldn’t God be the sun?!) but they didn’t think about the fact that there could be much more than just a little “something else”…
How ought a Christian to think about matter??
Why do I want, why do I need to know this?

Why didn’t the philosophers use more analogous examples? Is there something wrong with that? Is it that they couldn’t think of them, or just weren’t visual like that, or the examples failed in too many ways and it was better to explain it pure?

It seems ridiculous to worry about whether I am expressing something that you will see completely differently – somewhat like Descartes’s evil genius intervening – what do I care?

When you meditate, you must have food for thought. Naturally. Idiots. How are we to think we can worship God with empty brains? There is something deeper possible, yes, but not by simply attempting to “clear the mind” (besides, a fully cleared mind is a dead mind.)

How does wisdom relate to truth? Is it one and the same? Is it the knowledge of truth, of what is true? Am I seeking pure swisdom here?

So, can we know anything. Now I understand, because I am doing it myself, why that question will come up over, and over, and over again in the same text, in different texts, in different words… categorized…

WHAT IS COMMUNITY?

Does it exist on earth? At Wheaton? To what extent? Can one create it or only "enter in" to it? ...to be continued...

Interesting....

"It is patent that the condition into which we have now come is not simply an accident, a run of bad luck which a little forethought here, a little cleverness there, might have avoided. Our problem is that we are caught up in a civilisation having immense drive but no direction, marvelous capacity to get there but no idea where it is going."

Is my Mind So Hard to Follow?

Am Happy...Effervescent is the better word. I won't say much (nobody's reading anyway but ... you never know...) suffice to say I adore people. Certain ones in particular. ...it's such a nice way to feel. I say that I don't do "nice". Well, today, for the moment, I have shed my ?-ishness.
There are people in the world who are like me. I don't seem to experience that so very often. (Leading to the conclusion that I am a unique shape of puzzle piece.) Then when I find it...hoooohhh...passion. I ponder this. Before, I feel like something is so wrong with me. During, I'm just ultra excited. After, I feel so frikkin NORMAL!!! It's glorious!
I think that I think it's okay that there aren't more ppl like me in more ways. But I wish they were sometimes, and I think LESS of people who aren't as ... whatever I am in some ways. (Honestly I probably think LESS of most people in general than I do of myself. It's just so.) How's that for vagueness. (I'm getting at what you value being diff from me, not for example what color you like, team you root -rhymes with foot- for, political party you stand behind, etc.) But at the same time I'm not sure I should think that way, and I'm sure I should value them who they are. Okay here we go. So I do value them, speaking as humans. Just as potential relationships, I don't. Smooth.

It's so funny to me how some can tell me I really do not know how to express myself (so I wonder if I have anything worth "expressing" in the first place??)...but when I'm around these types I get along with and rarely find, I have no trouble at all, my mind is clear (okay unless they're distractingly male) and I feel satisfied after talking to them! Wow!

Oh England...

So let me take you to the hills of great Britain. They are stored inside my head, as well as my

heart, adn since my heartis illiteratet his might cum ut a bit jmulbed! I think of the cool sunlight

coming down, bouncing off them, making their vivid greens shimmer. It is continually wet; you

have to be sure you don't step in a hidden soggy pad. To get there (to the tops) there are public

paths, and the farmers(well whatever they are) don't mind you using them. However, it's

simpler and much more exciting to fence-hop. Be sure to scan the horizon for bulls before

jumping over, and watch th ebarbed wire... God with a boy, and go for an indefinite amount of

time. You'll have good conversation or just be quiet and peace will fill your soul. Cares wash

away...past life slides into the unconscious as the glorious fresh air vitalizes, sends itself through

your body. Peace rushes over. Comes enarer to the soul than yet. Time runs endlessly... I

could stay here forever... Watch the sun...think...it go down...clouds over the ocean...

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

Why not post this. It's just my reflections on the latest movie I saw. Not normal, I know...

The meaninglessness of life. Everything just continues, goes on and on...the fields stretch out...we learn from each other how to live, maybe love, an dhow to go on...then we die...some laugh, some cry...circular. meaningless. The fields of Iowa say it all.

They say goodbye, and ... suddenly my heart wants to feel wrenched for them. But hark! Wait! Haven't I felt this before? This raw, blessed feeling... And look I'm automatically coping with it before the feeling sets in. I've left too many people never to be seen again to not have a prepared reaction. But it strikes me as interesting that the same feeling can be attained in IOWA that I tend to associate with living in "exotic places" such as England, and Austria. To leave someone important to you with your mind clear (other option being drunk, I guess??) and auf immer und ewig Verabschieden. Split. Divide. That hurts - I would know.

Yeah. So being attached is good, and feeling things is good. That's nice. I'll get back to you when I figure out how.

Finally, I think the difference between the head and the brain is that which causes great problems for people. Me, anyway...and I imagine others. We can think up such great things, and want to do them...and then...we are frustrated in one way or another...

shabba gorapi

I don't need your solutions, i have enough of my own. - The Recluse

So hi! Once again I am not feeling oh so very blissful. I figure well, that's what I made my blog for, why not use it... It's just I have a hard time getting started and I want to talk to real people and be distracted, not wallow in nothingness...I don't really have anything to say. THAT gotten out of the way, may I begin to speak... time for Anna's introspection :( Continue no further, dear reader, I beg you, PLEASE!!

I was at ... well we'll keep it vague, somewhere the other day in a group of people and one of them shared during a devotional time - and it was the most amazing thing, it rocked my world cuz I felt like dominos were falling. A guy sat in front of us all and told us he has been gay for several years. This is at a quite Christian college. I don't know if I can make you understand. NO, I'm not lesbian (ha!). But this honesty, this transparency...this clarity of a sense of "God is at work in my life and this is what's next" - you scoff at me, you think it is better for people to not tell everything about themselves...but people that seems to be the only thing that will work right now! The only way you can deal with something is to face it, right? And if you don't deal with it, you'll be miserable, and might not even knwo it. To let others carry the burden, and to carry theirs... I don't know if I have any deep dark secrets, but remember "sharing time" at Cape last year, and how it felt to talk to all those people and "come out of the closet"...I would tell people I don't feel smart, I don't belong here, my little brain is EMPTY and I don't know how to cope with life at all, I quite intentionally walk with the most intense possible air of confidence because I feel exactly different, that 10 days out of 10 there's nothing I'd like more than a hug a real one, or to go hide, to feel loved more than I do... tell them I'm not a nice person, and have them somehow believe it not just glossy-smile it over, that most of what they see is fake, that I don't like most of the ones I interact with - the people, I mean. really. I don't like many people at all. (-might be exaggerated, might not) that i have this complex of thinking I'm better than most people... oh and ironically at the same time, so much a failure and i'll never get where I want to go, I don't have a chance to be part of the group of people I want to become like, which does exist but I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH to get in ... and express this feeling of passivity, being tied down and shot up with whatever they give you so you don't even struggle, your mournful eyes just look around and wish and your heart, assuming it's in there, is miserable knowing it could do better... alll the wasted time you didn't know how to spend...

I also would want to say that school is HARD and yes I like that but no I'm really in WAY far over my head and my Philosophy class I'm not picking up what I should and I don't know how to write and ok maybe Jazz piano I have a decent chance, but when will I get organized enough to be disciplined, to practice enough, so I can get good?!?

Of course being quite honest, it would soon follow that my social life, which looks pretty good right now, would dwindle to quite few. Believe me, if I was honest... maybe I should try it for a day. (Hey, x, I just want you to know I think you're the hottest boy on campus and I can't imagine why you never talk to me...) And you're going, right, maybe you shouldn't. I've quit - given in to the "hey how are you I'm GREAT just PEACHY KEEN" and somehow the daft daisies never pick up the sarcasm. Huh.

Again I tried to put a dumptruck load of idea-strands in a bucket. Sorry. This is very unedited. And yes, it should not be here. But who's going to be reading it now after weeks of nothing new, anyway?

I'm noticing a trend in myself. Are some people visionary? Cuz if there's a name for it, I am. It's very hard to take little steps, because my eyes aren't down there, they're up high and seeing amazingly incredible sights that aren't yet attained (=frustration!) - like what I could be like, in relation to God, the world, etc. etc. etc. (more later maybe) but forget "minor" things like, well, for a basic example, spending time with God every day, or at least spending time trying to be with God. HELLO. But it's sooo hard...

Well. I hadn't been attending church this year. I just couldn't, I really, really didn't like it. But I found a church I like. I went there for the second time today. It's called "All Souls" and it's episcopalian (however you spell that!) There's an organ...and they use liturgy, the same QUALITY stuff that's been spoken for the past 2000 years...and I like that they have communion every week...no "praise and worship time now!" YAHHH

Otherwise, I'm always tired...always always always. I figured out there's a point in there where it's good - being just on the verge of irritation, but also not quite out of the zone yet, means I snap at you and can be incredibly sarcastic which is taken as humor. But right now, i'm on the irritated - stay in my room - i don't want to have any friends - train and it's not about to derail soon.

:)